Embracing Honesty: My Mental Health Journey
I feel compelled to open up about my mental health journey, not just for myself but for all of you who have been a part of it. It’s important to be transparent about the struggles I face, especially when it comes to something as complex as bipolar disorder. Diagnosed in 2021, my journey has been a rollercoaster of emotions, therapies and hard-won victories.
For a long time, I fought a relentless battle. I was in and out of psychiatric wards, experimenting with various medications, and eventually undergoing electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), a treatment that literally zaps the brain to reset its chemistry. Miraculously, it worked. I found myself in a much better place, free from suicidal thoughts and deep depression. For a couple of years, I felt like I had a handle on my mental health.
However, life has a way of throwing curveballs. Two months ago, on an otherwise ordinary Monday, I was hit with an intense urge to end my life. The wave of emptiness washed over me so suddenly that it felt insurmountable. I had planned to overdose before my husband got home, but as I looked around at the mess in our house, a strange thought crossed my mind, “Maybe I should clean up before I die, so he won’t have to deal with that.”
As I tidied up, my husband returned home early. He found me lying on the bed and without a word, he lay next to me and wrapped his arms around me. In that moment, something shifted. The urge to die dissipated as quickly as it had come. It was as if I could feel a divine intervention, reminding me of the love and support that surrounds me.
After sharing this experience with my psychiatrist during my next appointment, my check-ups shifted from every four months to once a month. Just when I thought I had a grasp on things, the same feelings surfaced again while I was on a flight from Taiwan to Malaysia. Watching A Star is Born, I was transported back to my darkest moments. As Bradley Cooper’s character took his life, I felt numb and overwhelmed with memories of my own past attempts. I fled to the airplane bathroom, where I broke down, tears streaming down my face.
Once again, I started planning my exit from this world, considering a hotel room where my husband wouldn’t have to find me. But the moment I stepped off the plane and saw him waiting, ready to embrace me, that oppressive weight lifted again.
After informing my psychiatrist about this second episode, my care team expressed concern that these incidents might escalate. To add to my turmoil, I began experiencing auditory hallucinations again like ringing in my ears and knocking sounds that only I could hear. It felt like a dark shadow creeping back into my life and I am worried that my psychosis might be returning.
The fear of losing control is terrifying. I’ve experienced the depths of depression and the chaos of psychosis and I don’t want to go back there. Life has been beautiful since I married my husband, filled with love and joy and I’m determined to fight for that happiness.
I share this not just to unburden myself but to remind anyone else struggling that you are not alone. Mental health is a journey filled with ups and downs and it’s okay to seek help, to lean on loved ones and to be honest about your struggles. I hope to continue pushing through, to find ways to cope and to keep the dialogue open around mental health.
Together, we can break the stigma and remind each other that there is always hope, even in our darkest moments. If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out for help. Life can be wonderful and it’s worth fighting for.